Found My T-Shirt

Train

Thursday I had the opportunity to attend my first real concert in Salt Lake City for one of my favorite bands: Train. I had been planning this since August when I found out they were coming to Utah, but as it got closer to the allotted date, I found myself without a ride there (#firstworldproblems). Luckily, thanks to a last minute post on Facebook, I was able get the assistance of my friend Brice. We hadn't seen one another in many moons, so I was really excited to spend the time with him.

We met up on Thursday at 5:30 and headed up to SLC where we met up with my old friends Rebecca and Stephen Bowzer. It was so much fun to spend the night in not good, but great company. Distance sometimes makes you forget how much fun you have with certain people. I laughed 90% of the time (I spent the other 10% of the night trying not to pass out or contract some unknown disease from the mass amounts of bodies pressed together infront of the stage).

Brice and I were a little late, so Stephen and Becca saved us a spot about 20 feet away from the stage. You would think that would be a really awesome seat, but people have yet to create a rule that keeps 6-foot-somethings from dominating the front rows of the audience. Basically I only got to see the singers every 10-15 minutes (exaggeration there, but it was still pretty ridiculous). I am still incredibly grateful for the opportunity to attend the concert though.

The line up for the night was awesome. Andy Grammer started us off, which was pretty cool because I knew a few of his songs, but for the most part he was unimportant to me. He had this smirk on his face the whole time that just made me want to punch him after about 10 seconds of looking at him. Aside from the obvious fact that he was in love with himself (and rightly so, I guess. He has a great voice), I enjoyed him.

That face.

Then came Mat Kearney. Ugh, he has the voice of an angel. Man that man can sing. I was really excited to hear him, so it was a little nerve racking when he hopped on the stage for his first number, and no sound came from the mic. I'm not even kidding. There was smoke and flashing lights and screeching guitars, Mat comes running on to the stage with a big smile, steps up to the mic- and nothing. I mean, you could hear the guitars, but not Mat.... which was weird. It was even more weird that it took him like half way through the song to realize that it was happening (but I guess that had something to do with the deafening roar of his adoring fans). Talk about bad first impressions... haha. After he figured it out, he started the song over, and it was great from there. He even came out into the crowd like 2 feet away from me and was almost mobbed.

Such a stud.

So close, yet so far away.

He was looking right at me in this one.

Finally Train came out. Oh how I love them. They were just so much fun!

We weren't too far away.

Can you find me? My full face is in view.

Economics

Kind of makes me want to bang my head repeatedly against the small wooden desk attached to my poorly cushioned seat. I'm sitting next to this one guy who keeps reading everything I do over my shoulder. He's laughing now. His name is Quinton Riches. What a creeper. It's okay though; we're Facebook friends.

Today we had a fire alarm for all of 5 minutes before class. It was weird, having a fire alarm in college... I haven't had one of those in three years. i was half expecting to walk outside and see my old high school spanish teacher waving around her little Mexican flag shouting "Clase! Clase, aqui!" She was straight up whack.

Unfortunately, class was not canceled. I was hoping something would blow up so I could at least have a good story to share with you all. Like, maybe I was inside when the explosion happened, and I was caught behind a blazing fire and fallen debris. Then, right when it seemed like all hope was lost, this handsom fire man comes running in and saves me and we fall in love.

But it's not what happened. Instead, I'm sitting here in class, listening to my professor explain the equilibrium, or the market clearing price, and pretending not to notice Quinton looking over my shoulder (he is so embarrassed. Bailey-1 Quinton-0).

On a more enjoyable subject, my roommate Marie and I could not stop laughing at these youtube videos.

Seriously, this guy is so funny. I laughed so hard I'm pretty sure I don't have to work my core out for a good solid week (more cake for me!). Speaking of which, I really need to start going back to the gym. I occasionally take an Irish Dance class and, man, every time I leave, I am SO SORE. 

Also, I got to see Evidance on Saturday night (I also got to see BYU get their butts kicked, but I'd rather not own up to the fact that we decided to send our cheerleaders out to play for us). It really made me consider getting back into taking dance classes. Of course, I'd probably just look into auditing them or something, since taking them has nothing to do with my major. I'll have to do a lot of praying on this one. 

Oh great, now I'm lost. I'm going to have to do some extra reading tonight to make up for this. Oh well. I enjoyed writing today. I've learned that it's incredibly helpful to just get all of my thoughts and feeling out in one place. I'm especially grateful that y'all read this. It's awesome when people text or comment or just find a way to tell me that they read my blog! There's nothing like knowing someone else out there feels the same, or was touched by what I wrote. 

Thanks again for being amazing!! For your support, I'll leave you with this wonderful representation of true love:

When Life Hands You Lemons

Sometimes life requires you to do hard things, like write a 10 page paper, or work two jobs, or only eat one piece of cake when you really want two (or maybe even three). Wednesday night I had to do something that I didn't think was going to be hard at all, but it ended up being one of the hardest things I've done in a while... and it sucked.

Have you seen the Arrested Development episode where every time something bad happens to one of the characters, they walk around like Charlie Brown? (side note:  if you don't know Arrested Development is, stop reading, click here, and go educate yourself. What do you live under a rock?). That's how I felt, so basically I spent half my day looking like this:

I talked to my mom on the phone to try and figure out why I was being such a big baby about everything. I knew my answer and I knew I was making the right choice, so why laze around all day and pout? I had other things I needed to be doing... like homework, or eating cake. 

She suggested that at the moment I was feeling a little bit like I was backed into a corner. The way I saw it, all of my choices had been made for me; the outcomes were inevitable. That wasn't necessarily true. I was just choosing the options that were less 'fun', but would be better for me in the long run (e.g. to do homework or not to do homework). In other words, I was growing up.... and it sucked. I was learning about responsibility and that long term happiness far outweighs instant gratification. 

So what was the solution? Well, for me I was feeling a lack of progress. Although I was learning essential adulthood lessons, I needed to feel as if progressing right at that moment as well. I sat down with my mom and devised a list of things that needed to be done this weekend. We decided that I would take a few things a day, starting with the smaller tasks, complete them and then reward myself with, say, my ward's Nerf gun war activity (which, in case you were wondering, was awesome). It was really helpful. It put my list of tasks into perspective a really helped me feel like I was achieving something (which I was) while also feeling like I wasn't starving myself of being social.

Another solution was remembering that 'it is better to look up'. In the October 2011 General Conference, Carl B. Cook gave a talk with that very title. It's one of my favorite talks to this day. 

In his talk he quotes Mosiah 4:9 which reminds us to "Believe in God; believe that he is...". How wonderful is it that we have a God, a Father in Heaven, who loves us dearly, and who, among the infinite number of things in this universe, know each and every one of us by name. 

Elder Cook ask us the question: "Why is it a challenge to constantly look up in our lives?" Do we lack faith, trust, hope? I think it's a combination of the three. I know that I struggle most with trusting in the Lord, and even trusting in myself. But that's why we're here, isn't it? At least, that's why I believe we're here. To learn to have those things. To trust God, and to know he loves you.

In a talk I mentioned a few posts ago, President Uchtdorf mentions this: 

"[W]herever you are, whatever your circumstances may be, you are not forgotten. No matter how dark your days may seem, no matter how insignificant you may feel, no matter how overshadowed you think you may be, your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you. In fact, He loves you with an infinite love. Just think of it: You are known and remembered by the most majestic, powerful, and glorious Being in the universe! You are loved by the King of infinite space and everlasting time! He who created and knows the stars knows you and your name—you are the [children] of His kingdom..."

How grateful I am to know that.

On a more secular note, I think there's still something to gain from these talks. It may not be God you're looking up to. Maybe it's looking up to that great vacation you have coming up in a few months, or that A+ you got on a paper, or even coming home to that last slice of chocolate cake after a long day. Find something to 'look up' to; find something to be grateful for. I promise you have at least one thing you can think of; I have many.

I know that just bringing a little bit happiness into you life makes living it easier. You don't have to throw up rainbows and unicorns on everyone you meet, but try smiling at a stranger, holding open the door for an elderly woman or a not so elderly woman or even a man. Go of your way to make someones day a little bit better and soon yours will follow suit.

I'd like to try something new. Of the few people who read this, will you share with me your ways to get over those days you find yourself in a 'funk'? Do you dance around your kitchen in your PJs? (I do.) Do you go for a run to clear your head? Listen to loud music? Share, please! I'd love to know what you think :)

Today

Today I just don't have it in me to write a real blog post. Today I just want to curl up and go to sleep. Today I did a lot of reflection on the past to determine the outcome for the future. Today was long and today was hard.

Sometimes, we just have days like this:

Maybe I'll give a better post tomorrow. Today I'm going to go nerf my rage out on my fellow ward members.

Sorry.

UPDATE: We are so cool:

Thoughts of an Unrequited Love Addict

I've been thinking a lot about unrequited love lately. I'm not quite sure what sparked this thought process which lead me down the road to writing a blog post about it, but it seems to be a subject highly prevalent in my life (well, in everybody's life). As humans, it's something we seem to be drawn to, like a mormon mom to a craft sale.

So, why is it that the idea of the unobtainable is so alluring to us? Why do we return to touch the fire even after we've been burned? I decided to reflect upon my own experiences with this dreadful disease to see maybe why I, more often than not, struggle with the aftermath of unrequited love.

My first experience lasted 4 years. I was young and silly and wanted what every teenage girl traversing the mad waters of high school wants- someone to tell them they're pretty. And boy was he the one I believed should do just that. In my heart I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with that boy and I didn't care who knew it. Of course, when he did come to know it (which didn't take very long in my small hometown), he made sure to let everyone know, through word and deed, that he in no way felt the same. Nevertheless, I remained steadfast in my feelings, sure that patience would win him over in the end.

As life moved on, he served a mission for our church, and I ventured off to college. Along side my clothing sat the baggage that came with unrequited love. I had this obsession with loving and being loved in return. It drove my existence from senior year of high school until recently. It really didn't matter who it was, if there was something (even a very shallow something) I took it and ran with it.

Ultimate example of unrequited love

That carried over in to my second experience. I fell madly in love with him, and I mean madly. Luckily, for a while it was returned. We dated and everything was great— until we broke up, that is. Then I was left reading a rereading old love letters, gazing at old pictures, and pining after what once was.

For the next few months years, no matter how hard I tried I just could not seem to get over him; I still can't. The saddest part is, is that my love was returned fo a long while; I was just too convinced that there was no way he could ever feel the same to reach out and grab the very thing that occupied my dreams. It was heart wrenching. I had managed to become so obsessed with this idea of unrequited love that I ran from real, true love when it came knocking at my door.

Why? Why would I trash something that meant so much to me so fast? This question has kept me up at night many times, and after some serious consideration, I believe I have found the answer.

It was safe. Loving him at a distance, convincing myself that I was the victim, gave me the opportunity to run from what I was really afraid of: commitment. This realization was foreign to me. For the durration of the time we spent pining over one another after our break-up, I "moved on" (or at least, that what I told myself I did), dated other people—I even got engaged!

So how was I running from commitment? I knew that dating him would ultimately lead to marriage. These other guys, they were great, don't get me wrong, but there was not a lot there. We were lacking the substance and a strong foundation that successful, healthy relationships often have. All three followed the same pattern: we'd meet, think the other was attractive and funny (smart, witty, etc.), and then start dating all of a few days later. On what grounds could we build something more?

In March, I returned to speak with the man whom I had decided to leave my heart with during this time. I had hurt him—left him to taste the same bitterness of unrequited love that I so deeply hated. I begged for another chance to show him that I cared, that everything I did was a mistake.

Unfortunately, the cut was too deep this time, and he left me sitting in my pool of self-pity once more, accompanied only by my familiar companion of unrequited love. I could not function for days. I let everything come crashing down around me as I realized that this time the pain was real. While I was busy pretending that I was the one being hurt, the man who was really suffering built up a resistance to the very thing he longed for: me.

Now, here I am, many months later, mulling over my options. I had my grieving time. I cried, I screamed, I threw temper tantrums alone in my room. I prayed to God every night that I wouldn't have to feel the pain I felt. And it never came (not saying that this affected my relationship or love for my Heavenly Father, I just now understand why I experienced the pain I did).

So what next? Now, I move on. I accept the fact that my feelings are not returned and they never will be. Is this the right option for everyone? No, I wouldn't say so. For some, as it was earlier in my relationship with this man, I would say there's the option to share your feelings with the person and discover if what you believe is unrequited love is, in fact, not. Had I womaned up and accepted the fact that he loved me very deeply, and that with him I would have been happy, instead of playing 'poor-me' all that time, I would have avoided the pain I felt later on.

So, for me, the answer is now to move on; to realize that happiness does not rest in getting what we want right now. President Uchtdorf gave a touching talk at General Conference on October 1, 2011, entitled "Forget Me Not". Oh how my heart is filled with the love I have for the servants of the Lord, who care deeply enough about me and my fellow brothers and sisters, to stand before us multiple times a year and provide us with loving guidance and direct counsel from the Lord.

In his talk, President Uchtdorf likens our pursuit of happiness to the pursuit of the golden tickets in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. The minute the people find out the significance of finding those shiny pieces of paper they go a-wall trying to find them, as if their only sorce of happiness from here to eternity is that one golden ticket. In response to this attitude of 'once I have this, then I'll be happy', our beloved Second counselor says this:

“The happiest people I know are not those who find their golden ticket; they are those who, while in pursuit of worthy goals, discover and treasure the beauty and sweetness of the everyday moments.” 

This is what I have come to realize is my solution. I had spent all of those years searching and pining and longing for my golden ticket in love, that I missed the small moments that I could have found much joy in. That is why I believe we all struggle with unrequited love. We see matrimony as our one golden ticket, and the second we even think it's not possible, the world seems to end for us until we once again get a glimpse of that shiny golden piece of paper.

I hope that both you and I can learn to find joy in the "now". I have tried with all my might to do that now, and even my small, simple steps have proven to be monumental in my life. Already I am able to see that my life is not incomplete because I am alone. Reality is, I am never alone. I have a family who loves me to the moon and back, and roommates who support me when I'm struggling. Most importantly, I have a Savior who gave his life so that I could enjoy an eternity with him, my family, and one day (whenever that day is), my spouse.

I am so grateful for the peace I have found in this, and I hope that you can find peace in your struggles as well. Know that you are loved, by me and your Savior.

UPDATE: If religion isn't your thing, music always helps too, especially when it's uplifting. I've found comfort in both my religion and in song. Particularly this song my roommate showed me after learning about my situation:

One Thing, Two Things, Fun Things, New Things!

I moved into a new house this semester with Marie, a god friend of mine I've known for a few years now. I was a little skeptical at first since 180 a month for a house 5 minutes from campus just seemed too good to be true, but then I actually move in.

The house is small. And when I say small, I'm not talking general apartment size small... I'm talking box small. Like someone bought a big flat screen TV and decided that the box it came in would make good housing for 3 poor college students, small. 

This made me super nervous at first, because I didn't know the other girl that I was moving in with, and not knowing the girls in the past hasn't always quite worked out for me (hemhem idaho). God was smiling down on me at this point in time, because I am living with two great girls. 

Saturday was a hard day for me. This whole weekend was off the wall crazy, and both of my sweet roommates were there to make sure that I didn't do something drastic, like eat a whole gallon of ice cream, alone, in my room. 

We decided to have a girls-night-out on Saturday since I couldn't make it to a social I had really been looking forward to that week. We walked up to campus, missed the HumorU show and went to a soccer game instead. 

There I ran into someone who I had been on a 'date' with earlier that week (woo-hoo!) and Marie and Janine had an encounter with a guy we now dub '3x5-Blanket-Man', All one word. 

The game was packed, and the two of them went to find seats while I talked to my friend some more. They found this perfect place by the goal infront of a man with his three-year-old son who were sitting on, guess what, a 3x5 blanket! 

When they sat down, the man was like "Uhm, are you sitting there?", which is really just the passive agressive way to say "movenowkthx". So instead of being assertive (which we're working on), Maries was like "Noo.... we're just scoping out the place...". Then they left. 

Since we ended up not being able to find any seats, we just decided to go to Brick Oven which was just down the street. 

On Sunday, we decided that since we live in a cubical, separate from the world of Condo Row, We'd invite over our cubical neighbors (our house is split into 4 separate houses: ours, two guys housing unitis, and a family house) for dinner! They're all super nice, and It was so much fun. Also, we all looked like models. 

Politics & What I'm Learning

Tonight has been a whirlwind in reagards to the political election. I feel like everywhere I turn, I'm facing some kind of slander towards one of the candidates. It's driving me up the wall. These were my thoughts on it today:

It's seriously gotten to the point where I just change the subject when politics comes up. It use to be something I thoroughly enjoyed discussing, but lately it's become a headache. It seems that everywhere I've turned, people are telling me who to vote for, and if I don't heed their warning, the nation will fall into great tumult and my family will suffer from baldness for generations and no one will talk to me at parties. 

I mean, I know I'm young (I'm only 20), but I'd like to think that I can make my own decisions in life. I'm taking some amazing, highly intelectual classes right now which are teaching me hw to analyze and understand the world around me. I mean, just today I spent 3 hours crafting a question for a literature class that takes evidence from the text and challenges the reader to explore a new idea represented in the text by analyzing the text. It was ROUGH, but this is what I finally came up with:

In "The Things They Carried", O'Brian mentions that the soldier's "burden of being alive" was that they "were afraid of dying, but even more afraid to show it" (18, 19). They refused to "submit to the obvious alternative", not for reasons of "courage" or "valor", but because they were "too frightened to be cowards"(21). To cope with this mask of bravery, they would distance themselves from death by "telling jokes", "speaking bitterly about those who found release" through injury, and referring to death in such a way "as if to encyst and destroy the reality of death itself" (19, 21). Contradictory to these actions, the soldiers would dream of their "weights falling off", and becoming "naked", "light", and "free" through the very actions they mocked (21). How does this outward dehumanization of death affect the weight and burdens the soldiers carry? How does it commentate on the idea of the dehumanizing effects of war, particularly the Vietnam War? 

Kind of cool, right? (UPDATE: That question got used in class as an example of a qell formatted question! Hard work pays off!) I also had the opportunity to use economics to explain a point I didn't fully agree with (and with out calling anyone a bad name!). 

Actually, anyone who's taken economics will know that outsourcing jobs can be beneficial to the Economy. It provides the menial labor at a lower wage cost and provides the highly educated with job expansion opportunities and higher wages. W

hile we may lose a little in the form of job loss or lower wages for those with a less formal education it's more than offset in the amount we gain from prices dropping. Lower prices= more consumption by the wealthy/middle class= stimulated and healthy economy. In fact, 90% of economists agree that the United States shouldn't restrict employers from outsourcing to other countries (fancy that. Don't believe me? Check it out: Richard M. Alston, J. R. Kearl, and Michael B. Vaughn, “Is There Consensus among Economists in the 1990s?” American Economic Review (May 1992): 203–209; Dan Fuller and Doris Geide-Stevenson, “Consensus among Economists Revisited,” Journal of Economics Education (Fall 2003): 369–387; Robert Whaples, “Do Economists Agree on Anything? Yes!” Economists' Voice (November 2006): 1–6; Robert Whaples, “The Policy Views of American Economic Association Members: The Results of a New Survey, Econ Journal Watch (September 2009): 337–348.)

What this really comes down to it the debate on Efficiency vs. Equality. Both are equally important in regards to the happiness and well-being of a society. What does our country need right now? Well, taking into consideration the 'economic crisis' we're facing, I'd say we're leaning towards being in serious need of some help in the 'Efficiency' department. Unfortunately, in order to become more efficient (which is what we want!) some people aren't going to get the same treatment as others. That's hard, and it sucks, but it's life and it's not fair.

That's where charity come into play. When was the last time we needed the government to tell us when to look out for our fellow man? I mean, seriously, is this what we've come to as Americans? If you want equality, go out there and start taking the steps necessary to create it. If you've been blessed with the opportunity to have all you needs and wants, go out there and give to someone who doesn't get that.

What this really is is a matter of selfishness among those that have been blessed with money. And don't you dare blame the 1% because they sure as hell are not the only one who withhold their money from helping others (sorry for the language).

Yeah. I wrote that. 

It felt AMAZING! I'm so grateful to attend this university where I can grow both spiritually and intellectually every day. I am blessed with a wonderful family who has taught me to value education, and wonderful friends who love and support me every step of the way. 

Little Face Mitt approves this message.

100th Posty-post!

I have NO idea what to dedicate this blog post to, BUT I'VE REACHED 100 POSTS!!!

Even Little Face Mitt is proud!

I think I'll dedicate it to telling you about my weekend! I was able to spend time with me other roommate, Janine while Marie was out of town. Let's just say that I am so grateful to be blessed with not one, but two amazing girls to share this house with. Janine is so much fun to spend time with, and she makes me laugh so much! I think that regardless of the fact that we live in a cubical (I'll update you on this later), this semester is going to be one of the best semesters ever. 

Janine and I went hiking up Bridal Veil falls with a few member of our ward. This group included Me, Janine (not pictured), Jacob, Devin, and Anna Marie. 

Devin (in the yellow) brought us brownies after I told him how much I had been craving chocolate that day.

What started off as an innocent hike turned into an expedition up the side of a mountain. Our goal was to find our way to the top of the falls by traipsing up the side of the mountain they cascaded down. It was a lot of fun, and just what I needed after a stressful first week of school. How refreshing it was get get up close and personal with nature and witness the ecosystem surrounding us in Utah. My favorite part was seeing the greenery that bloomed behind the waterfalls. 

Janine and Anna Marie.

As we advanced toward the peak, the trail began to get more difficult. At some points we were edging along sharp drop offs and literally climbing up/down rocky surfaces. It was thrilling and terrifying all st once. I'm am not by any means a rock climber, but it's impressive the things your body will do under high pressure. At one point I climbed out onto the edge of a rocky cliff. 

Getting out there was the easy part, and it was totally worth it! The view was breathtaking. I could see into the canyon for miles in both directions. I could feel my adrenaline coursing through my veins as I was perched on what seemed to be the edge of the world; however, it seemed that I had a bit too much adrenaline, because when it came to getting down from there. I chose to take the most difficult pathway (much to the dismay of my comrades). That experience was probably on of the scariest trials in my life. Never had I felt my life slipping between my fingers like that as when I clung to the crumbling rocks of the cliff I was descending. I made it down safely after about ten minutes of panicked stratagem, and continues our decent down the rest of the mountain. 

We had only made it half way up because of time constraint, but there's no doubt that I will return to that mountain next summer to conquer its summit. 

On the way down, we decided to cool off under the falls. My original intent in doing so was just to get my hair and neck wet so I could get a little of the sweat off. Janine had a much different ending in mind. As I approached the waterfall and turned to pose for our camera, she grabbed me and positioned us beneath the tumbling gallons of freezing water. 

Day 2... I guess

Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears

1. I am afraid of the dark – I guess this started when I  young…? I can’t explain it, but anytime I’m alone (and even sometimes when I’m not) in the dark I shake and hyperventilate. I almost always sleep with computer on. I guess it’s the whole uncertainty of the darkness and relying to heavily on my sight that really makes me uncomfortable. I have to visualize my surroundings and gage my level of safety to be comfortable enough to relax. My mind just goes wild in the dark, creating ridiculously vivid scenarios of my death in various ways (also I’ve probably watched too much Criminal Minds and that crap’s whack).

2. I’m afraid of being alone… forever – Once upon a time I lived alone for a week. I made my friend Nicole come over for two nights so I wouldn’t have to sleep alone in the dark (see above). There’s just something about the gripping silence that comes with living alone that scares me. What if I were to choke and die, alone, in my apartment? They wouldn’t find me until my neighbor’s dog started smelling me from the hallway (+10 points if you can name that show). This is all very weird because:

3. I’m afraid of commitment – This is actually a new found fear of mine. I realized it this summer when I had a bunch of opportunities to date these really awesome guys, but for some reason, when they started getting really close, I shut down a literally felt nothing anymore. It was weird because, growing up, I was always pining after romance and obsessing over which boy I could date next. But I’ve come to realize that since then I’ve had a few really crippling heart breaks, and I was introduced to the fear of failing in my relationships. It’s sad, really, because deep down I want to get married and have a family more than anything, but the mere thought of that right now just makes me nauseous. What if I make the wrong decision? Luckily, I’m still (very) young, and I have both time and the Lord on my side.