Tuesday, July 31, 2012

My Friend, My Savior

"Because Jesus walked such a long, lonely path so utterly alone, we do not have to do so."
"Now, may I ask that never again will He have to confront sin without our aid and assistance, that never again will He find only unresponsive onlookers when He sees you and me along His Via Dolorosain our present day." 
"May we stand by Jesus Christ “at all times and in all things, and in all places that [we] may be in, even until death,” for surely that is how He stood by us when it was unto death and when He had to stand entirely and utterly alone."

I needed this talk. I needed a burning reminder that I am never alone and that I am loved so fiercely by both my Savior, Jesus Christ, and my Father in Heaven. He suffered all things for me so that I could progress and learn and experience the beauty of life here on Earth. He trusted me with a testimony that I have nurtured since I was very young, when it was planted as a seed by two loving parents. Because he stood alone, spotless before the world, I stand by him now and forever. I am on the Lord's side through and through. I will fight for his gospel, I will share his message of unending love and happiness and I will never stand down. 

I know that my Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ lives and I know that he loves me. It is because of his selfless sacrifice for me, Bailey, that I stand tall today. It is because he walked that path alone that none of us will ever be without his love or companionship. He is real, as is his love.

This is my testimony which burns within me. I love my friends and family and most importantly I love my Savior. As it says in John 14:23 "I will not leave you comfortless." I pray that any of my dear friends who are struggling with feelings of loneliness and doubt take advantage of the marvelous gift that Christ has fought so hard to give us. Know that not only does he love you, but that I do as well. Know that in the end, all will be made right, for "In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." (John 16:33). 

Monday, July 30, 2012

How To Be Alone; By Tanya Davis

If you are at first lonely, be patient.

If you’ve not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren’t okay with it, then just wait. You’ll find it’s fine to be alone once you’re embracing it.

We can start with the acceptable places, the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library, where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there. Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books; you’re not supposed to talk much anyway so it’s safe there.

There is also the gym, if you’re shy, you can hang out with yourself and mirrors, you can put headphones in.

Then there’s public transportation, because we all gotta go places.

And there’s prayer and mediation, no one will think less if your hanging with your breath seeking peace and salvation.

Start simple. Things you may have previously avoided based on your avoid being alone principles.

The lunch counter, where you will be surrounded by “chow downers”, employees who only have an hour and their spouses work across town, and they, like you, will be alone.
Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone.

When you are comfortable with “eat lunch and run”, take yourself out for dinner; a restaurant with linen and Silverware. You’re no less an intriguing a person when you are eating solo desert and cleaning the whip cream from the dish with your finger. In fact, some people at full tables will wish they were where you were.

Go to the movies. Where it’s dark and soothing, alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community.

And then take yourself out dancing, to a club where no one knows you, stand on the outside of the floor until the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one’s watching because they’re probably not. And if they are, assume it is with best human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely to beats, is after-all, gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you’re sweating. And beads of perspiration remind you of life’s best things. Down your back, like a book of blessings.

Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you. Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, they are always statues to talk to, and benches made for sitting gives strangers a shared existence if only for a minute, and these moments can be so uplifting and the conversation you get in by sitting alone on benches, might of never happened had you not been there by yourself.

Society is afraid of alone though. Like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements. Like people must have problems if after awhile nobody is dating them.

But lonely is a freedom that breathes easy and weightless, and lonely is healing if you make it.

You can stand swathed by groups and mobs or hands with your partner, look both further and farther in the endless quest for company.

But no one is in your head. And by the time you translate your thoughts an essence of them maybe lost or perhaps it is just kept. Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those “sappy slogans” from pre-school over to high school groaning, we’re tokens for holding the lonely at bay.

Cause if you’re happy in your head, then solitude is blessed, and alone is okay.
It’s okay if no one believes like you, all experience is unique, no one has the same synapses, can’t think like you, for this be relieved, keeps things interesting, life’s magic things in reach, and it doesn’t mean you aren’t connected, and the community is not present, just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it.

Take silence and respect it.

If you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it, if your family doesn’t get you or a religious sect is not meant for you, don’t obsess about it.

You could be in an instant surrounded if you need it.

If your heart is bleeding, make the best of it.

There is heat in freezing, be a testament.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Over it... almost

Nothing feels better than the release of something that's been weighing on you for months at a time (especially when that something is a break-up). I've found, in my many years, that music can be a great release during times of pain and struggle. The genre of music or specific song varies from person to person, struggle to struggle. For me, break-up songs can help me get through almost any trial, specifically those songs that leave me smiling after every repeat.

Lately, I've had two songs that I just cannot get out of my head. I hum them everywhere, listen to them on repeat during my runs, and laugh and giggle at the pure joy the give me in knowing that everything is going to be okay.

The first is hilarious. It's Train's new song "50 Way to Say Goodbye". You might think me cruel and heartless for finding joy in the death of my exs, but that's not the case. The joy I find is in the idea of creating hilarious false deaths for them instead of owning up to the truth (pretty much the epitome of my life).  Favorite line: "She dried up in the desert, drowned in a hottub, danced to death at an East side night club"

The second is a little more somber. Florence + The Macine's "The Dog Days Are Over". This song gives me peace on my anxiety ridden days. I love the idea of the mourning period after a break-up being related to the 'dog days' of summer. They're usually the hardest, hottest of the season, just like the mourning period is the hardest of a break-up. The song talks about leaving your "loving and longing" behind, because hanging onto them will drive you crazy.

I find this song incredibly relatable. I cling to the memories of late night trips to the grocery store, walks around the gardens on campus, the tension of our first kiss, and the joy of being in his arms. They slowly drag me down, further and further into the blackness of depression. My anxiety feeds them with false hope of making those fantasies a reality once again. 

This song has helped me recognize that I can't "run with the horses" if I'm stuck slaving away in the dog days (see what I did there?). There is something better out there for me (whether it be ocupational, a chance to travel, or even love) and I can't progress with the past holding me back. It's liberating to finally come out of this ridiculous trough I've been trudging away in and appreciate the beauty in the friends I have and the family that loves me. Favorite line: "Leave all your loving and longing behind, you can't carry it with you if you want to survive"

(I'm giving you this video because the actual music video is freaking weird)

UPDATE: I feel like I should clarify a few things here. I still have very deep, very real feelings with concerns to this event. What has relieved me of my pain is accepting the fact that his happiness doesn't necessarily include me. I've finally come to terms with the fact that whatever he chooses, whatever is decided, I'll be able to live with it because I trust that it is all for the better good. I know that the Lord will make everything he's promised me possible, so long as I continue on in his path and live the gospel worthily every day. I've finally learned to trust the Lord with these feelings and it's made all the difference.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Accounting is Hard

I got out of my second Accounting test Friday and I felt a little something like this:

Although, I'd gladly take a face full of sand and saltwater over a failed exam any day. I get frustrated with the class because I tend to second guess myself in taking it; however, every time that thought enters my mind, I receive a calming sensation that reassures me that this is the path which my Heavenly Father would have me take. I found a quote the other day which supports me and raises me up on those days I really struggle:

"With any major decision there are cautions and considerations to make, but once there has been illumination, beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. Don’t give up when the pressure mounts. Certainly don’t give in to that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness. Face your doubts. Master your fears. “Cast not away therefore your confidence.” Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you." -Elder Jeffery R. Holland, March 2, 1999 BYU Devotional

It's kind of crazy to think that only 4 or so months ago I wasn't even considering changing my dance minor, yet, here I am, struggling through accounting trying to figure out if you debit truck and credit cash or credit cash and debit inventory. I have faith that this is right thing for me to do, and I pray that I'l see the good in this decision in the end.

Overall, I'm finding the class incredibly interesting. I wasn't aware of how many different ways there were to go about accounting for the sales and financing of a company. We've gone through two or three processes now to figure out how to reach a certain result, and all processes spat out a different number. My mind was blown.

At the same time, I was scared. It's dumbfounding to think that accountants can make any business look good to its investors. It's no surprise to me now that we've fallen into recession and economic crisis. We've done a couple of case studies where the examples inclue businesses that failed because of their lack of trustworthy transactions. It's even more scary when a CPA firm, which is responsible for auditing those businesses, gets closed down as well because of their inability to follow the set standards.

This all goes to show me that the world is slowly going down hill. I am so grateful for the knowledge I have of a loving Father in Heaven. I know that where man might fail, he is there to life me up. He taught us principles of honesty and charity, and it's sad to see that we have forgotten those basic morals.

I hope that I never fall victim to the pressures that drive men and women to break their moral code. I'm grateful for my parents who raised me in a God fearing (and God loving) home.

On a lighter note, my brother comes out to Utah in 6 days!

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Throwback Thursday

Today I miss my mommy a lot, so here's a picture of us way back when. I was the coolest cat around thanks to her. 

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Throwback Thursday

I currently do not want to be writing an Accounting paper, so I'm doing this instead. I've decided to have some Thursdays dedicated to stories from my childhood and younger years since my life is legitimately hilarious (plus you can get to know me a little bit better). 

The story I want to start off with is probably my favorite story to tell. Seriously. I'm pretty sure I'll tell it to strangers on a bus if I get the chance. It took place in November of 1995, two months after my brother's birth and just a little after Halloween. I was only three. 

My mom was in the midst of bathing and caring for Mitchell and I was in the midst of jumping up and down around her asking for 'just one piece of candy'. It was an ingenious tactic, really, because after about 10 minutes of relentless nagging, she gave in. I made like Wonder Bread truck and hauled buns.

Then there was silence. It was the kind of silence that ebbs in ever so slowly, but then settles heavily across the house. It was the kind of silence that gives you away. She knew what was up. She had always known, from the moment I started nagging. She quietly finished dressing my brother and set him down for his name before venturing out into the house to find me.

When she did, I was standing infront of our living room window singing and dancing- a dead giveaway. 


I flipped around so fast the Road Runner wouldn't have been able to keep up with me. She beckoned me towards her with her pointer finger and I shuffled across the living room floor in obedience. I came to a stop in front of her with both of my hands behind my back and head hung low in defeat. 

"Let me see you hands."

I held out one hand to reveal a single piece of candy. Maybe, just maybe she would forget about my other hand. 

"And you other hand."

Foiled, I showed her my other two pieces of candy. Thinking she was going to teach me a lesson, my mother said:

"I thought I told you that you could only have one piece of candy?"

As if straight out of a sitcom, without missing a beat I replied,

"But Mommy, when I eat these two pieces of candy, I will only have this one piece of candy."

Much hasn't changed since then. My mom said she immediately went and asked the Lord for help raising me. Figures, since I was probably the most difficult of the three of us to raise. 

That's all for this throwback. I'll leave ya'll with probably the cutest picture that will ever grace your sight:

That's me at Halloween a few years back.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

And I'm a Mormon!

If you know me, without a doubt you know that I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (a.k.a Mormon). You know that I am a practicing and faithful member who attends church every Sunday and who strives to live my life in a manner that is pleasing to my Father in Heaven and my Savior, Jesus Christ. But, what some of you may not know is why I believe, or what exactly is it that I do believe!
While I have done my best to explain it over the years, I am still learning and growing in my knowledge of the gospel. For that reason, I lead you here, to a site specifically created and designed for those who are looking for answers or for those who are simply curious about what it is we believe! 
I love my religion and my Savior with all of my heart and I am so happy that I have the opportunity to share with ya'll my testimony. I am so eternally grateful for the amount of mercy, kindness and unending love that I am bless with each day. 
I hope you take the time to explore the site a little bit, if only for the purpose of getting to know me a little better! This really is the center of my life, and I hope that ya'll are able to see that.

Much love,

Click Here.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012