Give the world a reason to dance.

The girl in teal writes back

(you can also read this story here)


The first time I saw you I choked. You were staring, but not in a threatening, creepy way, like the way that one-guy stares at the girl in that damn book everyone tells me I need to read. You stared at me in a sort of shock, and I felt my heart leap into my throat, where I choked on it. You didn't notice because I've gotten better at covering up my emotions, and even if you did I don't think it would have stopped you from staring. Nothing was going to stop you from staring.

I stared back, briefly. Not in the same manner in which you stared at me. To stare that same way you did would require some sort of intrigue and hope for the future, and I was past that. I hadn't felt anything in months, and I wasn't planning on feeling anything again, maybe ever.

Two weeks went by before I saw you again, staring. You were sitting in the same chair, in the same lecture hall, with those same piercing eyes. This time my heart didn't move and I didn't stare back. Part of me hoped it would create that same intrigue I saw in you the first day. Part of me wished you would just go away. All of me was scared.

That day you came over to my house stumbling through the door, I was scared again. Scared you would do something to me, something to you, or something to both of us. But you didn't. You just lay there, on my make-up stained couch, head in my lap with your hands covering your beautiful brown eyes. My hands shook as they stroked your thick hair. You blamed it on the medicine, and getting old. You told me about her, how she broke you, and made you the way you are now. I just listened and felt sorry because I had been there.

I'm sick, you said, and I just stared back, brows knit together in frustration because that was all I could get from you. You suggested we run off to Spain together so I could kiss you there because I didn't want to kiss you here on the couch. Let's go, let's buy the plane tickets now, you said. I almost believed you.

That night you told me that there was a story to be written about me, and you took my face in your hands and kissed it. You kissed me longer and harder than I ever thought possible and when you were done kissing, you took me in your arms, and we lay on the couch in silence. For a second, I remembered what it was like to want something.

And then you kissed me goodbye. You said you would call me. You said you wouldn’t forget. I watched you get in your car and drive away, and then I waited.

You forgot.

Sonnet Writing

Once upon a time I wrote a sonnet. I was asked to share that sonnet with people on various social media sites. Here is that sonnet:

Through darkest nights I choose to walk alone

And searching, shifting, sifting through my life  

I seek a place, a hidden little home

In which to hide my saddest pain and strife.

 

To keep despair inside me, or relent?

And can I leave this secret song unsung?

But then shall all my lonely days be spent,

Like smoke beneath a ceiling I’ll stay hung.    

 

Yet, even as a tempest sea does toss

My insubstantial heart about its waves,

A man does take my storm and make it stay.

 

The Christ, the Son of God does take my loss

And with his perfect life my soul he saves.

Through him my darkest nights are brought to day.

What's the hardest tea to swallow?

On Monday I went ice skating. At 20 years old (or almost-twenty-one as I like to call it) I have never been in my life. Not once. It may have to do with the fact that I live in Florida, although I just found out my little brother went ice skating four days prior, so it's probably really because, let's be frank here, I never really cared to. What was ice skating to a girl who lived her who life in paradise on the beach? I'll tell you: pointless. 

I was quick to find out that out here in Utah, it's kind of a big deal. When you tell people you've never been skating in your whole life, they tend to give you reactions similar to the one I'd imagen Paula Deen would give you if you told her you didn't eat butter.

Shout out to Chelsea for that one.

Thus FHE ice skating was born. And I went, like a lamb to the slaughter. I kid you not, from the moment I walked in those doors to the moment I walked right back out them, I was shaking like I had shot myself up with pure caffeine. I couldn't even tie my own boots it was so bad. I had to get one of my friends to do it for me.

The thing about it was that I wasn't even sure what I was expecting to happen once I stepped on the ice. For most of the night I continuously convinced myself that I didn't have to worry because certainly any man that caught wind of a beautiful damsel in distress would drop everything to rescue her. It worked so well that by the time I stepped on the ice, I was flabbergasted that they instead chose to laugh at me through the lenses of their iPhon cameras as they videoed me clinging to the side of the rink. I guess I was just hoping that a man would take me by the hands and we would just glide off into the sunset. Instead I spent my first few times around the rink death gripping my roommate's hand as well as her boyfriend's. I felt like Jenna Fisher in Blades of Glory whenever she's with Will Arnett and Amy Poehler.

Expectation

Reality.

Things did change when I managed to find someone to teach me the basics and guide me through it. It ened up being a blast and really I find it quite sad I didn't try it sooner. I mean, I only fell twice, and I managed to keep up with most people who were skating. After that night, I really see skating in my future. Maybe I should drop-out and become a figure skater. You hear those crazy 'didn't-start-doing-such-and-such-sport-until-he-was-nineteen' miracles all the time in pro sports, so why couldn't I be one of them? Probably because I lack coordination 95% of the time (I have two bruises on the same arm, and three on my leg all from running into various, stationary objects).

Overall, the experience made me think about things, and by things I mean the fact that I am single because, let's face it, that's all I think about. I went over to this guy's house a few nights ago, and I was actually looking forward to it. There was... a little bit of interest, newly found, hanging around deep inside of me, and I was quite curious to see if there was anything present on his side. I don't exactly know what I was expecting. A date? A confession? A proposal (haha)? That he'd a least give me one shred of genuine attention? Obviously too much, because I left feeling... odd. Unsatisfied? Let down? Bummed? And then I remember a quote from a movie I recently watched:

"And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space!"*

I was that girl. I was the one always letting things get to my head. I was the Michael Scott of my relationships. I always imagined them greater than they actually were. And it's not that my relationships and flings weren't great, because mostly they were, it's just that in my head I made them out to be more than they actually were in reality. And why do I do this? Because I just want to be married so badly. Why? I HAVE NO FREAKING CLUE.

I ask myself this on a constant basis. Why do I, at twenty, want to badly to be married? Why don't I want what pretty much every other twenty something on the face of the plant wants: to finish college, start a stable career, and party on the side.

So I thought about it. I pondered, and mused, and questioned myself, and I think I came up with an answer. It's just how I was raised. You see, in the Latter-day Saint culture, marriage is incredibly important and incredibly sacred (and that's sacred not secret. get yo facts straight). The family is the foundation of our religion, the reason we believe we were placed on this earth in the first place. Our ultimate goal is to raise a loving family in the best way we can.

Now, at the same time, education is strongly encouraged for both men AND women. How can you raise a family in this day and age without money? It's hard, and education is essential. The LDS faith also strongly encourages gaining knowledge on all front. President Gordon B. Hinckley, one of the great leaders of our church for a time, said:

"It is so important that you young men and you young women get all of the education that you can. The Lord has said very plainly that His people are to gain knowledge of countries and kingdoms and of things of the world through the process of education, even by study and by faith. Education is the key which will unlock the door of opportunity for you. It is worth sacrificing for. It is worth working at, and if you educate your mind and your hands, you will be able to make a great contribution to the society of which you are a part, and you will be able to reflect honorable on the Church of which you are a member. My dear young brothers and sisters, take advantage of every educational opportunity that you can possibly afford, and you fathers and mothers, encourage your sons and daughters to gain an education which will bless their lives". 

However, we do place a great value on marriage between a man and a women, and the joy that is brought about with the inclusion of children into that sacred bond. For whatever reason, a great desire for that very thing is present within me. And those desires very from person to person. There are tons of LDS young adults who aren't looking to get married any time soon (although the leaders do strongly encourage dating and marriage).

It's a bit of a struggle learning how to balance social life and school, especially when I'd much rather be out with people than writing a 10 page paper (like I should be doing now). Sometimes it results in really hard lessons I have to learn, but in the end, I always come out on top. I know that both my education and my constant desire to have a family are worthy goals to work towards, it's just a matter of disciplining myself in the art of patience. Maybe if I get that down, I can look into not only marriage, but also becoming a professional figure skater like I mentioned earlier. Who knows, maybe one day you'll see me in the Olympics.

xo

bailey

*+10 to anyone who can name that movie. Also, for those of you who didn't catch on to the title of my post, the answer is 'reality'. Ha. Hahahaha.

Turkey Day 2012

This is my third Thanksgiving away from my family, and surprisingly, it gets harder each time. This semester has been filled with absurd amounts of homesickness and handling things I didn't ever think I'd have to handle this early in life. Last Thursday I attended the Women in Business semi-annual dinner where successful business woman Lisa Bearnson spoke to us about 'raindrops' being blessings in disguise. She shared with us this song:

She didn't get all the way through it, but far enough to put me in a fit of tears. The chorus of the song had the most impact on me.

"What if your blessings come through raindrops? What if your healing comes through tears? What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near? What if trials in this life are your mercies in disguise?"

I couldn't help but reflect back over some of the more difficult trials in my life and ask myself those very questions. And the more I dug, the more I found truth in those words. A little over a year ago I faced one of the hardest trials of my life, one I wouldn't wish on even the worst of my enemies. Without going into too much detail, it was a trial that brought me to my knees every night, crying with great power unto my Savior for forgiveness. I wanted so badly to be home with my family, away from the harsh reality of adulthood. Until that time came, I tried to find happiness in the little things. Turns out  I found it in the rain. It reminded me of home, especially when the clouds hung low enough to cut off the mountain tops a they twisted through the canyon. For a small moment in time, I was back in Florida, watching the rain pittle-paddle on the rooftops from my porch.

Nothing's changed.

Thanksgiving came around and I was able to escape to Kaysville for a mini vacation. It may not have been my mommie and daddie and bubbie and loafer, or even my own dog, but it was close enough to satisfy my homesickness for a short amount of time. I still cried, but it was through crying that I came to heal, just like it said in the song. Through the tears and the trials, I came to know and love myself so much more than I ever had before, and I came to know my Savior just as well, if not better. I came to and understanding of my own suffering and my own trials I was facing at the time, and I experienced exponential growth not only spiritually, but mentally and emotionally as well. Slowly I began to rebuild my faith, and I was able to forgive myself for my mistakes, as well as those who had hurt me. 

Later in her talk, Lisa mentioned how she has kept a gratitude journal to help her always remember that there are blessings to find even in the worst of times. She then challenges us to keep a gratitude journal, and see how it affects our lives. Normally I would think it was a good idea and then push it from my mind, but there was something about this challenge, pair with the lyrics of the song she shared, that really resonated within me and sparked a desire to achieve the same level of knowing as Lisa. So that very night I went home and started my very own gratitude journal (that's where the first picture came from). 

My results were immediate. I could feel my own happiness increase, as well as an increase in the Lord's love for me. It wasn't that suddenly he loved me more, he always loved me unconditionally, but rather now that I was acknowledging his love, it was becoming more and more apparent to me that it even existed.

Not too long ago I was talking to my roommate about a small relapse into depression that I was experiencing. It wasn't that I didn't know my Father in Heaven loved me, but rather that I didn't think the people around me loved me. I had a hard time connecting with the people in my ward and classes, and I felt incredibly displaced in the world. Dating was (and still is, honestly) a mess. I didn't know who to trust or who to let myself have any sort of attachment to, because the minute I did, they were gone. My friends consisted of two people (or at least I thought that), and my family was 2,451 miles away. 

At the end of each day, I decided I would go through my day and write down things I was grateful for. It started out with things like 'I'm grateful Tanner willingly covered my shift today' or 'I'm grateful class was canceled', but then I started to notice the smaller things during the day, like the little boy that smiled and waved at me as I was taking a break after a particularly stressful shift. It wasn't anything big, just a small smile and wave, but at the time it meant the world to me. It was so sweet and so innocent and just full of that little boy's love for the world. I began to feel the love of those around me!

I grew in happiness because I was actively seeking it in a healthy manner. During the day I would notice little blessings, like the guy who held the door open for me, or the parking attendant who let us go for free instead of paying 10 dollars, and those little things would begin to lift my spirits. Now, after a week of writing, I've found an overall increase in joy in my life. 

Lisa shared with us a quote by French novelist Sidonie-Gabrielle Colette: 

"What a wonderful life I've had, if only I had realized it sooner."

I want to share with you the challenge to keep a daily gratitude journal. It doesn't have to be a novel each night, sometimes it's just a list of five things, sometimes it's longer. It takes a total of five minutes a night, and I promise to you that you will feel happier. It doesn't matter if you're a believer of God or not! For me it was a recognition of the Lord's love for me, but for you it might be a recognition that you're life isn't as bad as you thought, or that people aren't as awful as you believed. 

Either way, I'd like to leave you with a talk by one of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saint's presidency members, Dieter F. Uchtdorf. Again, you don't have to believe in God to take something away from this magnificent message. 

I am thankful for: