Anxiety

For those of you who know me and know me well, this is nothing new to you. It's something you've either experienced with first hand or heard about through my inability to keep anything a secret, really. I have something known as General Anxiety Disorder. Basically I worry. You're probably thinking well we all worry about things, what makes you so special? (Don't lie, I know you were). The difference with the way you worry and the way I worry is this:

You worry about things like tests, dating, papers, health, and money issues. You get a little stressed, sleep on it, take the test, go on the date, turn in the paper (or whatever), and move on with your life. You focus on getting through today and don't really focus too much on what's coming in the future.

I worry about those things, too, but take your worry an multiply it by... well, by a lot. Add the worry of everyday things, like the dishes, laundry, talking to people, etc. (and by worry, I'm stress). It's like having a little person in your mind that never shuts up (I mean never). I worry to the point that it starts to affect my life. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I become irritable, and over time depressed. I lack motivation, focus, and meaning in my life because the stress of worrying leads to a lack of hope. In my mind there is never a good outcome, it is always bad. 

In March, the depression began to affect my school work earlier this year, and, after discussing my options with my family, and turning to the Lord in earnest prayer, I decided to try out a low dose of antidepressant medication which is often used to treat anxiety. 

The medication was rough at first. It seemed that everything that could go wrong, did. Nausea was the worst. Over time, things got better and I sank into a groove of pure relaxation. The medicine was amazing. It didn't take away the stress and the constant worry, but it allowed me to handle it. No longer did my anxiety overwhelm me. My motivation returned and I was able to focus and improve in my school work. I have my ups and downs (like forgetting medication sucks), but overall, the improvements have been drastic. 

pretty sure I look like this, occasionally. 

You're probably wondering what the point of this post is. The point it to share with others who might be struggling with anxiety or depression the fact that you are not alone. That was something I wish I had known at the beginning. 

During the whole process of figuring out how my mind worked, I often felt alone and broken. Now I know that is not the case. You are never alone, and you most definitely are not broken. 

Not only am I with you, and countless others, but the Savior is, as well. He loves you more than anyone on the face of this planet, and he knows. He knows the frustration that comes from the inability to relax, he knows the pain that comes from feelings of inadequacy, and he knows the the despair that comes from not being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

Don't ever give up hope, and don't ever forget that you are loved and that you are not forgotten. 

The second point in sharing my experience is the hope that you understand me a little bit better. I was discussing the idea of anxiety and other mental disorders being taboo subjects with a friend the other day, and it made me think about the way society handles such delicate situations. I shouldn't be afraid of sharing this with people, as often is the case. I am not broken, I am not crazy, and I am not anything less because I process things a little differently than everyone else around me- and neither are you. 

We all have trials, we all have struggles- it comes with the territory. By sharing these experiences with others, I personally believe that we can better understand one another, so that we can learn to help those around us when they really need it. If anything, this post helped me think through something that has been on my mind lately, and I hope you're okay with that. 

If you've stuck with me this long, thank you. Your support is greatly appreciated. My friends and loved ones have been my shoulders to cry on as I learn to adapt and use this way of coping with my surroundings to my advantage. 

xo,

bailey

Okay, please excuse my fangirl moment here, but can I just gush about how much I am in love with Arrested Development? Seriously, that show is the epitome of comedy for me. It's quick, witty, and even a little dirty. Everything I want in a television show (and man, but we'll get to that another time). So, if you start to notice a lot of AD quotes, gifs, and pictures around, it's because I feel that if my life were a sitcom (which we all know it ought to be), it would look like Arrested Development. If you are currently reading this and have no idea whatsoever about what it is I am speaking of, as I have said in earlier posts, go educate yourself, fool.