The Ward 'Menu'

So today I was pondering the merits of pictures in the ward menu. I firmly believe that every member of a ward should be coerced into submitting a picture, if not, it seems unfair. How can some of my fellow sheep escape this torment when I am guilted into it? No, this is obviously wrong. We must all show our beautiful faces in the menu. Statistically, the amount of first dates that are successful drastically increases proportionally to the percentage of pictures shown in the menu. I think that in order to maximize dating results, and therefore marriage, a coercive structure is the best option.

My implementation plan is as follows:

1. Welcome all members of the ward to partake in the blessings of exploiting one's self. 
2. If members seem weary, begin the process of boosting their self esteem.
1. Comments such as, 'Stacy you look awesome today!' or 'Bruce, that's a lovely tie. Did you get that on your mission?', often yield positive results. (Make sure sure to appear as if their picture submission depends on their eternal salvation)
3. If there are still some unwilling to submit, show up at their door at unexpected hours (this works best in pairs of two males doning suits) 
1. WARNING: Often they'll answer looking disheveled, occasionally wearing yoga attire. Disregard this. Utilize step two and try and find the beauty in them. 
1. In extreme situations, ask if they can retrieve a backup picture from their bedroom. Often they will feel that they looked better in the past. 
4. For those particularly hard to convince, begin to coerce via text messaging. Make sure to mention God. This often induces a feeling of guilt which guides your party towards the submission of a photo. 
1. Encourage them to pray about it, and to listen the spirit.
5. If all else fails, find a photo through extensive Facebook research. If they do not have a Facebook, consider the option of candid photography during Sunday school. 

I invite... no, I COMMIT you to share your bright, beautiful faces with your ward. I know, from personal experience, that my dating life has been stilted because of this. I have found a greater sense of self-worth. Also to mention, that statistically, and statistics shall never be doubted, submitting a photo makes one have a higher success rate on first dates. Remember, this is not an option or a privilege, it is a duty that will increase nearly every aspect of your life.

Sincerely,

Photo Patrol